May.

Though I adore Spring, it gets off to a rocky start with memories and days of sadness.

I saw my cousin Kim last, at Easter. Her birthday the first of May. She died in between.

Doesn't matter how long ago it was. Sometimes, it feels like a very long time, then, like it was yesterday. I miss her. I miss what changed after she died, and mourn that too.

Images of the empty chairs at Aunt Judy's dining room table, don't go away...First Dad's, then Grandma's...then Kim's. And then....no more. She doesn't have it anymore. At least not so that I can count on it. And so...I don't. "The most important people have died." That is the thought that clung to my mind this year and it was a sad, rough weekend. Missing them and feeling sorry for myself too.

Easter was late this year, so Mother's Day came quick. Hardly a chance to catch my breath, never mind put on my big girl pants.

Chad sent an email. Sarah posted on my Facebook wall. Her card came mid week (after) and it sat unopened for another day or two. The p.s. on the envelope said a gift was coming. Not yet.

Truth is, I don't want it. Really.

I did a show on the Saturday.

Suggestions made the week before were pretty much shot down. The response underwhelming.

I met my Mom & Sister for breakfast. I liked their chosen location in spite of the time. I had to be out of the house by 8am to get there on time. If nothing else, it meant I could be gone before the next wave of disappointment crashed.

I got back to the house before John (& Chris), who had gone to visit his Mother. Chris' mom had postponed her day, till this weekend, thus why Chris was home.

I was cleaning the house...did yard/garden work, made a good dinner. Don't remember what now...??? Thats funny.

Neither of them uttered "happy mothers day" or acknowledged "me" in any way, never mind any special way. Okay...I am not Chris' mother...or Johns...But crap. I take care of them.

Between Easter & Mothers Day, I am still teary. The latter, of course is more personal.

And...not new. Nope. Year after year, I cry and get through it.

Huh, guess thats all. I want to document, but not to cry anymore over the sameness of my changed life...Ya. This is working....